DIE Bank of America!! (Update)

Okay, so I lost my bank card. Big surprise, right? I lose them every couple of years without fail. I didn't want to go through the hassle of having it mailed home then having someone mail it to me here because it just takes too long, so I figured I'd ask the bank if there's any way to send it directly to where I am now. Big mistake.

I'm on the phone with person #1. She takes all of my information, blocks the card and tells me that they can, in fact, get the card directly to me if they transfer me to Emergency Card Services. Sounds good, so I say yes. She transfers me to them, a guy answers, asks how he can help me and I tell him that I lost my card, I'm not at home so they sent me to you so I can have it sent directly to me. He says, "hold on" and transfers me directly to Visa. The woman at visa asks me right off the bat if I'm eligible for emergency card services with Bank of America. I told her Bank of America had transferred me to her, so I sure hope so! She says, "great, that answers my question" then proceeds to ask me every question about every detail of my life for a half hour. Finally, she has to call Bank of America to get the okay and I'd be all set. She comes back and says, "sorry, ma'am, you're not eligible for emergency card services, so we can't send it to you."
I LOST IT. Why the HELL did I have to answer 8,000 questions if they weren't going to help me? I immediately told her to transfer me back to Bank of America and it turned out the BoA person was actually on the line already listening to me get pissed off. I always feel bad getting angry at these people on the phone because it isn't their fault, it's the person before them that screwed me over. I yelled, nonetheless. Seriously, why wouldn't they tell me in the first place whether or not I'm eligible for this service, or at the very least tell me that I'll have to answer some questions to determine eligibility? They wouldn't even tell me what the eligibility requirements were, and their excuse was that Bank of America is big and has a lot of departments so it's impossible for everyone to know the rules of every department. my response was, "Exactly, you're too damned big." I was really pissed and the woman, who was huffy and puffy at me asked me what I'd like her to do for me and I told her I wanted to speak to someone that knew what the hell was going on, so she transferred me to her supervisor. When the supervisor answered she said, "you requested a supervisor?" I said, "No, I requested someone that knows what the hell is going on in this bank!" She was stupid, too. She told me that her department is the only one that can determine eligibility for the emergency card service and the other departments don't know what it is, so they couldn't have possibly known, which is why that happened. I asked her why, then, didn't they send me to their department in the first place?!?! She didn't have an answer for that one. I should close out my account there. This is a big lesson for why I should stick to smaller banks.
The last person I spoke to (the supervisor) said they couldn't use Emergency card services, but they could express it to me where I am. I told her I'm in Alaska and she said they don't express to Alaska. Very nice. I ended up just telling them to send it to my house and I'd have family send it to me, like I would have done in the first place had I known it would be such an issue.

After I wrote the above portion I spoke to 3 more people at Bank of America because they called me twice for some reason. Both times I missed the call because of crap cell phone service out here and both times I called back only to get some idiot on the other end that didn't know why they called. Finally I called customer service to tell them to stop calling and the guy there actually solved the entire problem. He said that every single person I spoke to, even the supervisor, didn't know what they were talking about because they apparently don't read their updated policy books on a regular basis. He's sending my card up here and the silver lining is that I got to take a customer satisfaction survey after the call. I love it when you're pissed at a company and you're randomly selected for their phone survey! The guy I spoke to got great ratings, but there was also an option where you could speak for 30 seconds to describe how you felt about Bank of America! I'm sure they get a lot of colorful remarks on that one. Jerks.

Another update: I had ANOTHER missed call from the same number that was calling me before. I called back AGAIN because I can't understand why they're calling. Is there something more I need to do? When I called back the person said she didn't know why they called, but she could transfer me to customer service. I told her, so, your department called me and you have no idea what for? So when you call people and they call you back you guys just guess about what business they need to take care of? She said, "well, no. . . " then continued, "If you answer some questions I can pull up your account and find out." HELLO!! Isn't that what she should have done in the first place instead of telling me she didn't know anything? Of course you don't know anything if you don't even know which customer you're talking to, dumbass. I really hope I have service if they call me again. I've been such a witch to them the entire day. That's what happens when you have to speak to 9 different people to get a problem resolved. That's right, 9. I counted. Whenever I have to deal with them in the future I'm going to ask for their name and department right at the beginning of the conversation because I really wish I had that info right now. The helpful guy actually said he was looking up the people and was going to 'bust some heads.'
I've had an incredibly similar situation with them like this in the past, too. I was told I had to be transferred to a different department, where they wouldn't help me either and it turned out the woman I spoke with before screwed something up on my account by not doing something she told me she did. I asked the woman I was speaking with for the prior representatives name and she told me she didn't have access to that information,' so when I was again transferred and finally found someone that was helpful, I found out that they can ALL tell who I've been speaking with on the phone previously! ahhhhh!

What's extra fun about this update is that I went to the laundromat today and I found my bank card while sorting through the sheets in the back of my car. Fun!